She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I have surprise drugs for everyone
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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