Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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