no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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