My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
