Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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