He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Four minutes until I can fart!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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