Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
