Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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