Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
