You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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