All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
