I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
