pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
