I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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