I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
There was a lot of him and a little penis
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
