The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
