we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Randomize
