WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
