apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
