Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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