she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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