I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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