I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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