What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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