god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
