fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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