Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
