So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
