Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
