so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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