I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
