I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
