i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
