I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize