you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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