Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
