just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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