god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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