Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
