I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Randomize
