Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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