3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize