I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just had sex bonerless
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
