Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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