I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
