I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
