From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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