Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
