My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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