I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
