you have to choose: penises or morals?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just pee around me
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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