Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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