frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
