he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
