wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
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