my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
