wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I could fuck to npr.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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