I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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