There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize