Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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