oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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