I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
